so we just take it back.

[sigh.]

Listen.

Listen - to my heartbeat, break, pump life love and existence into a world I created to choose me, but it doesn't.  Listen - to my footsteps echo off buildings and pavement and joys and hurts alike - I am everywhere - can't you hear me?  Listen - to the rainfall, flood of the tears of my love, I love selfish you with every part of me and the sound of its roaring tide should rise within each time you think of me.  It burns like flame - untamed - a crackling hiss through the lies and the myths - I am here and everywhere - can't you hear me? Listen - I am in the stop, start of a city night and even in the starlit song of your backyard back home.  My voice is mixed within the laughter you love and, again, I love you - little you - can't you hear me?

af Proverbs 2:1//chi alpha prayer

Lanterns.

It's Friday night.  

The Rock Your Blues Away Cafe has a new member behind the bar. Casey, a good friend of mine, lounges near the counter reading commentary on a book series he enjoys.  His girlfriend Melodie and our mutual friend Jared kick it on the couches around the corner.  Sinatra croons in the background.  New lanterns in the window invite those passing by in for a fresh cup of coffee. The lights are low, the music's good and the company is exceptional.

This evening has been a perfect cap to a long week.

* * * * * 

Paper skin draped over these bones
Weak and worn, and not my home
My soul is longing to be re-clothed

and

You awake the heart within
I've clung too long to what has been
Wondering if this borrowed body will ever give up its sin

but

New bodies wait, each formed by Your hand
Frames made stronger than these of dirt and sand
Your promise fulfilled in the end

This dying body will be
Swallowed up by life.

af sept 2009 - 2 Cor. 5:1-4

Fail.

Why can I not convince myself to get up earlier than 10 a.m.?! sigh...

I working on a piece based out of 2 Corinthians 5...maybe I'll edit this post later with it finished.

Tonight, the Dean Williams Band (www.myspace.com/deanwilliamsband) is playing at the cafe.  I'm pretty excited about it.  I know they are good and I'm hoping we have a good crowd tonight.  Currently, I'm reading and writing and listening to The Classic Crime.

* * * * *

the list:
- rhyme
- inquiring minds
- self-disclosure
- secrets
- hearts that beat for more than just pumping blood
- first kisses
- long hugs
- warm blankets
- plans, plans, plans
- Your faithfulness

until...

Fall: Day 1

Misty morning haze

Umbrella sidewalk maze

Each step echoes in a way 

Today, the air is different

* * * * *

the list:

- Fall
- that I needed a jacket by lunchtime today
- work
- chances
- oreos
- midnight trips to walmart
- Your love, precious Savior
- strategies class
- my car
- Brady Schroeder

Until...

I'm wearing my Japan sandals.

Still no real luck with writing something new, although I did start a piece last night.  Maybe I'll finish it and get it posted this week.  Here's something old - because I had egg rolls this weekend...

 Take-Out(for Two).

you can find me under the dim neon lights
of the August Moon Express
where fried rice conjures up the smell of your laughter
-sticky and sweet-
I can feel it bubbling within take-out boxes
begging to be tasted

where Jinny smiles incoherently from behind the counter
while offering fresh eggrolls
I somehow know wrapped inside are all our secrets
-dipped generously in our warm, reddish imagination-
and savored on every occasion
of consumption

where, as usual, Hahn eyes my solo order suspiciously
when I coolly ask for one set of chopsticks
and two cookies
-little dream containing wafers-
one for me, and one for you
with hope for twin fortunes 

af 2008

* * * * *

the list:
- the great connector, Facebook
- Hyunhee, Yuri, Kohei...
- ... JunYoung, Hikari, Chisa...
- Nobue, Fusai, Mika, Naomi
- Sakai Sensei, Uchimura Sensei
- Susan, Debbie
- Rob, Eric, Liz, Sarah, Keirin, Anna
- Skype is free. Praise Him!
- Tokyo
- Tokyo, again.

Until!

Sabbath.

the list:
- home
- My Fair Lady
- spaghetti with my mom
- history
- that no amount of human error can change that You are God
- motivation
- the Storefront
- that people can and do, in fact, change with Your help
- my sister
- healing

until.

Small Events.

This morning was Small Event at NSU - the annual Fall volunteer day for campus organizations. Chi Alpha's team joined forces with the Alpha Omicron Pi sorority and planted flowers in front of the University Center, then laid mulch.  My hands haven't been that dirty in quite awhile.

I've been at work at the cafe since 3:30 p.m.  When I came in, the crew from Invisible Children (www.invisiblechildren.org) were here.  It was nice to see them again and hopefully we'll all get to hang out tonight after I leave The Rock.  We had our second Invisible Children event last night.  It was a bit smaller than last Spring's affair, but still really good.  Great organization.  They have cool bracelets from Uganda, too.  You should check it out.

I'm one week strong, no coffee.  Still working on the getting up early to read thing however...

In addition, I've been teaching myself how to shuffle cards because I've been unable to shuffle one time in almost two weeks of playing kemps! I've almost got the bridge down.  I broke in a completely new deck of cards.  Look out world.

* * * * *

the list:
- Invisible Children
- Children, in general
- Your comfort when we are grieving
- Your love, when we feel loveless
- that You so often use the foolish things of this world to prove Your point
- poetry
- my momma
- discipline
- quiet times
- going home tomorrow

 Until...

Re-Pierced.

Today I woke up missing something from my face.

Having had my nose pierced about a month ago, I've been careful when dressing, undressing, applying make-up, etc...but I guess I have no control over what happens in my sleep. I searched frantically for about fifteen minutes before just giving up and trying to see how much of the piercing had already grown in. A little pain told me putting something back in wasn't going to be so easy and I still had two classes and lunch to go before I could leave campus to get a new stud. Sigh, Fridays.

Alas, I finally made my way to the local tattoo and piercing parlor and re-adorned my nose.

In the midst of all this morning confusion, needless to say, I didn't sit down to be alone with God. I rambled to Him aimlessly in my head("God, where can it be? Can you help me find it? I'm going to be late for class. I'll read at work! Why is that stupid thing so small?), but I didn't actually talk to Him and I definitely didn't give Him time to speak. When will I start waking up and, missing that time with God, know something is missing from my heart? I shouldn't have to re-pierce His beautiful hands every other day. When will my desire to know Him outweigh my desire to sleep, succeed, forget, just live? Who wants to "just live" when He offers us a life that is abundant and whole and completely satisfying?

These days, all I want to do is love Him more.

 * * * * *

the list:

- sunshine

- the ellers

- new girls in xa

- writing buddies

- old coffee friends

- the rock cafe

- good music

- that You desire to reveal Yourself to us in greater ways

- Your plans are complete, You know my next step

- isaiah 55

until...

Coconut-Kissed.

Dreams burn -

Tahiti heat
shriveling circumstance into a
   sand pebble.
Cheeks, towel dry and sun glowing,
plump with sea salt smiles and
   coconut kisses.
The blue ocean,
   for once,
surrounds instead of separates,
and hearts keep time with each wave breaking
   common shore.
Eyes closed under island umbrellas -

I am you, you are me
We are we - and free

Swaying to our palm tree promises

-af sept2008

* * * * *

I thought of this piece today while I was shivering in class. I wrote it a year ago for a series I was writing with another writer. I haven't really been to Tahiti...sigh.

These days, all I want is a new adventure.  I want photos and art and friends.  I want deeper faith. I just want to be outside where the world is. I'm slowly developing this personal belief that each sunrise is a challenge to make the new day different from the last. 

The days are getting shorter.  I love this time of year.  It's perfect weather for soy chai lattes and  poetry.  Fall often has me looking back on things that shouldn't matter now, and that's something I hope to address this season.  I don't want to spend my time scribbling verse on leftover emotion just because I can't find the inspiration to write something new.  So far...no luck...but we keep trying...

* * * * *

From now on, I'm going to try to post at least this section every day.  This is something I do when I journal, maybe I'll be more consistent with writing if I make this a daily commitment.  When I do my devotional journal - I always start with a list of ten+ things I'm thankful for that day.  It's usually addressed to God Himself, and I don't plan on changing that aspect of the list.   Sometimes it's deep, sometimes it's trivial.  I like it because it always gives me a moment to pause and thank Him.

the list:

- Your overwhelming patience with me   

- the truth                                               

- rest                                                      

- Amy's class

- Chi Alpha Guys/Girls night

- Kara, Kari, Nanami

- Teej, Nace, Kelly

- The Bassetts

- my amazing family

- promises

Until...

Coffee Fast...

...by that, I mean fast coffee. Generally I wouldn't throw this out there, but since I currently have one regular... (that's a shout-out to you Brady Bear!)...I figured it would be okay.

This is going to be hard.  I love that liquid pick-me-up and I've enjoyed having it back in my life after the post-Starbucks-in-Tahlequah depression of late 2008 - summer 2009.  I was happily caffeinated while roaming the streets of Tokyo, where coffee is available in almost every form possible, everywhere.  Starbucks and I reunited.  I discovered Tulley's.  I had coffee with dinner, from a vending machine, fresh in the morning...you get the point...

Returning to the U.S., I looked forward to potentially working at the newest coffee dive in Tahlequah, "The Rock Your Blues Away Cafe."  Which I am, and well into the swing of tamping and pulling two shots each morning for an Americano or macchiato to get my blood moving.

I have a deep appreciation for coffee.  I've studied origin countries, wet and dry roasting processes, acidity, aroma.  I could problem work with coffee for all of my days and be pretty happy. Here's the deal...

...I want to develop a thirst for the Word in my life that exceeds all else.  Like that first morning cup, I want to look forward to that first verse.  I want the first taste in my mouth to be that of truth, life, love.  I read my Bible, but I know I get the most out of the Word in the early morning hours - before the rest of my day starts. 

So that's that, coffee fast. Coffee, of course, has never taken precedence over spending time with Him. Generally, I enjoy a nice medium roast while reading but I want to do this as a reminder to seek God in those morning hours.

Here we go...

New Things:

Life in America is back - full swing.  It's my first semester of my senior year, I have a fun job and amazing friends.  In addition, God is really doing some cool things on my campus!

I'm still praying for Japan and my friends there. I miss them every day! I'm also still just seeking God as I prepare to graduate and enter the next phase of my life, whether here or in Tokyo.  I was able to speak at my church two Sundays ago about my trip and share some photos! It's nice that people are still curious about it and I still get to share stories all the time.  I feel like I bring Japan up a lot in conversation, but I suppose that's a good thing - it just fits so perfectly in my heart.

Another reason I'm updating is because I have a personal blog now, if anyone is interested: doubleshotsofdistraction.blogspot.com.  It's kind of random, hopefully I'll update often. I just really want to write more. So, there it is if you are interested!

Thanks again to all those who followed, read, and prayed!

Testimony[City Lights and Ink].

[I want pens that spill words of life]

Hope resonates inside -

I stretch and shake this earth suit from my bones
The face that wears strength for the world is bare before you
The one from which power originated

The heart that works to keep me breathing
Beats fast, then slow in your presence
The one who formed it with his hands

In this stillness - we are One
And I am whole for once

There is no fear, no shame, no lies
I am vulnerable and small before you
I am never stronger than when I am with you

Every part of myself pulls together
From all sides and hidden corners of my life
Reassembled in your eyes

I am beautiful

From the fingertips that ache to author
Something of worth about you
To the eyes that long to see you in full

This hope resonates inside -

This fills waking moments and inspires dreams
Despite the burden a day brings
Despite the pain my weakness clings to

You wait, you wait, you wait

Drawing near as I stumble to your side
Tossing off layers of trouble
Until it's just you and me

Me and You, alone

Reborn, reformed, redeemed
by Love

-af2009, Tokyo