I am a little church.

i am a little church(no great cathedral)

far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities
-i do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
i am not sorry when sun and rain make april

my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying)children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness

around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope,and i wake to a perfect patience of mountains

i am a little church(far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish)at peace with nature
-i do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
i am not sorry when silence becomes singing

winter by spring,i lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)

-ee cummings

An Important Person.

i'm thankful for the friendship i have with the girl on the left.

that is all.

until.

I get it.

Sometimes you run just to see who will follow...

I hate that statement. I think it's really stupid.

Come on! Come prove your love! Your friendship! Your devotion!

What's worse...it's true.  We do that! We take off, we say hateful things, we demand attention, we shy away. It's all a game of affirmation - tell me, show me, who I am to you.

I've had several conversations this week that have brought me back to this point of wondering why we do so much to hurt ourselves.  We should be remembering this, always:

he might say:

"You don't matter."

_________________________________

but He says:

"I loved you so much - in your weakness,

and your doubt,

before you loved me -

that I sent my son to die for you.
Without this act of love,

we couldn't be together - forever -

and I wanted you with me.

No matter what you say or do,

I will love you.
No matter how far you run,
I will be right beside you."

How's that for affirmation?

Until.

Twenty-two years today and counting...

-"Flight of Kings" by The Classic Crime -

Twenty two years have passed by
As I contemplate
I can recall you getting me out of every scrape
What comes first to my mind
Was the change that I so desperately needed to make
Day and night, frozen silent in blinding violent fear
A song for my fight
Comes spilling the words I so desperately needed to hear

Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to the hurt you feel inside

What hurts more than just dying
Is living barely alive
After all it's easier than falling short every time
I felt the pain and set fire
To the grace that I so desperately needed to take
Day and night, frozen silent in blinding violent fear
A song for my fight
Comes spilling the words I so desperately needed to hear

Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to the hurt you feel inside
Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to hurt you feel

I was brought up through the ashes
Like a phoenix birthing wings
And I will fight for my disasters
I will take the flight of kings
And if your life is ever tortured
Or if you know the pain I sing
Then will you sing with me this chorus
And we will cut through people's hearts and free them

Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to the hurt you feel inside
Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to the hurt you feel

Geez Louise...

I'll be 22 years old tomorrow.
When did that happen?!

I feel sick from eating too many giant lemonheads and all I want to do is read for a few days, but life is pretty fantastic right about now.  I know who my God is, and still can't fathom the depths of His love. Tonight in my small group we watched the "God's Fingerprints in Japan" dvd I got in Tokyo.  The first time I watched it, it brought tears to my eyes.  What a beautiful culture God has given the Japanese people to discover and worship Him with. Amazing.  The girls in my small group really enjoyed the film and had a lot of things to say and ask about aftewards.  We are watching the second part next week. I cannot wait!


PS - find a new job, Amanda!

* * * * *

the list:

- Birthdays.

- Mom and Dad.

- Kid movies.

- The traces of Your love found throughout history.

- My girls: Erika, Yasue, Megumi, Mino, Arisa, Yukari

- Nanami

- Joyce Kitano returning to Tokyo!

- Assurance.

- Javier.

- Naps!

Until...

I was feeling sad...

...and planned on posting something along those lines...

but then I saw this puppy -

- and things didn't seem so bad.

* * * * *

Until.

Journals.

Some days, I need to be reminded of where I've been.

My old prayer journals have been my eyes into a spiritual past that is at times fiery and passionate, to almost non-existent. The patterns of growth and stagnation are almost predictable.  At times, I even have to laugh - and I'm sure God chuckles as well.

The journal that stayed with me through my summer in Japan was written with the eyes and heart of a woman rediscovering what it is to love God like a child, and what is is to be loved by God as a woman.  There is a hint of growing up that I didn't notice then, but see now as I re-read the sloppy pages of devotional entries and daily logs of my time in Tokyo.  There is a beat of consistency, a steady sense of self.

It seems like a struggle everyday to keep up with just being me. Something that should be so simple - being yourself - is actually really difficult. But, knowing that He made me to love just as I was created makes the battle for self-preservation worthwhile and - as I am ever finding out - the right people start filtering into your life the more you are just who you are. That's something to be excited about...

* * * * *

Kiss my lips and purify me whole -

My words mean nothing

Letters and breaths assembled

Into sound that is empty

If You aren't laying the truth on my tongue

I want to drink deeply of You and

have the way Your love tastes 

always in my mouth 

af - june2009

* * * * * 

the list:

- Sunshine!

- KayKay and Sara.

- Dreams.

- Simple pleasures.

- The smell of freshly brewed coffee.

- Erika Maru.

- Yuri and our goma tofu!

- Constant affirmation of Your love.

- ...and Your will.

- and just for You.

Until...